How To Play Guitar by jaymanmatru
April 25, 2009, 10:28 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Why: Girls. Why else?

What You Need
Plaid shirts
Ripped jeans
Lack of personality
Hair gel, eyeliner
Guitar (optional)

 Step 1

Choose your style. 

This is the longest and most important step, the one which determines what kind of guitar player you will be. It starts with the haircut. You have to make sure that it looks like you did it yourself or it was done by someone with cerebral palsy. If you’re patient enough you can always choose to just grow you hair out, but once you start you have to go full length. Facial hair is your choice, depends entirely on you.

Step 2

Promote yourself. 

No, I’m not talking about flyers or even MySpace, I’m talking about the kind of subtle/shameless self-promotion in which the pros excel. First, you should have a collection of  band posters in your bedroom, none of which should be dated after 1985.

You should always be playing with guitar picks and pretend like you’re just doing it unconsciously. When people ask if you play, remember, BE COOL. Just say, “A little” and shrug. If they request that you should play for them some time, move on to the next step.

Step 3

Get a guitar. 

It doesn’t matter what kind of guitar, what matters is that it has a case. In fact, you can even choose to first get a case and then a guitar. The important thing here is that people see you carrying a guitar case around. You should have it with you at all times. 

(Note: If you have a car, don’t just leave it behind, carry it with you ALWAYS.)

Step 4

Vocal exercises. 

Playing a guitar means nothing if you can’t sing. Now, maybe you think that singing is hard or something you’re, like, born with or whatever. That’s just stupid. Singing is about knowing how to alter your voice just right.

You can go for one of two choices: pretend like you just got hit in the pelvis with a Nerf ball, or pretend you have something stuck in your throat. Some people like to do a combination of both. Also, train yourself to close your eyes constantly while your singing. 

Step 5

Sit somewhere and hit some strings. 

For this step, you should really have a guitar (it doesn’t have to be yours), just make sure it has a bunch of stickers. They should represent contradicting ideologies (i.e. the symbol for Anarchy next to a picture of Che’s face). 

Sit somewhere like a bench or under a tree, preferably outdoors, definitely social. Hit some of the strings and pretend you’re tuning the guitar.

Step 6


The internet is great, isn’t it? Before, you had to find some dude to actually teach you how to read music and what the different cord were and yaddi yadda. Nowadays, since we don’t live in the Dark Ages, we can just learn how to play a song in the internet. 

Just log on and look for whatever the number one pop song is and learn it. Go back to your tuning spot and play it. This is where all the steps come together. 

However, your true genius is gonna come not from playing an already recognizable song, but from impromptu song-writing. If you can write a song “on the spot” (meaning: you took a whole bunch of songs that already exist and mash ’em all up). 

Follow these easy steps and I guarantee you’ll get a fair share of arm candy for years to come. Just ask John Mayer or Jose Feliciano. Them dudes is ugly, one of them is even blind (allegedly).


yea i really gotit goin on

yea i really gotit goin on


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